it's ironic that when i'm happy, i have so few words, so few that I try hard to squeeze out something.
But I become a writer only when I'm truly sad.
This world expects too much of me. Ever since I decided to change my life for the better, it was a journey towards improving and always taking up the challenge. The change in my mindset changed who I was, who I used to be, what I did, how i interacted. I became a new man.
It was good, no looking back. But there is no end. There is no perfection. I cannot become what this world expects of me.
I grew up in an environment of authoritarian and inconsistent parenting. I grew up believing that I am garbage, I am useless, money is everything.
I'm still quite ok with how I turned out. But I am human, please acknowledge that. I feel and bleed just like any other. Just because I don't bring the money back does not mean I deserve to be shouted at for no reason.
In love, it's also always my fault. Somehow, I got used to that. Maybe it's just me, maybe it really is always my fault. But I am human, I feel and I bleed too.

At home, I do what is expected, at work, I do what is expected. In school, I do what is expected, in love, I do what is expected.
Everything and maybe more. That's just who I am.
But just once. Just once. I wished someone would care about what I need.
I don't even expect anything.
I only need simple things. simple simple things.
But sometimes the simplest things are the hardest.

Have you ever felt so alone, like there was no one there for you, no one who cared how you felt.
Lying on your back and losing all will to even move a single inch of your body.
That feeling of hope fading out, of the darkness taking over.

There is always something else more important.
I guess I have learnt that countless times in life. I have adapted. I learnt to accept all of it.
But today, I guess I got reminded of how truly insignificant I can be.
This world expects too much.
Too much that I am unable to be.

It's not important I guess.
Afterall, in the end. Life is but a fleeting presence. I will live it out to my most.
Ms Mon, you are my dearest. This world can fail me. But you, please don't. I don't need anyone. I only need you.
I will do my best for you, I will do what is expected. But please don't let me feel alone. Don't make me feel like you don't care how I feel.

Maybe after today, you won't wish I blogged. Because it is only at times like this that I would ever blog. When I have so much to myself that I choose this as an outlet, even more so when I choose to contain it usually.

Maybe you should wish I never blogged. Maybe that would mean that I don't ever feel alone.

This world expects too much of me. I am tired. But I trudge on. That's just me.
But please know one thing. I am human too.